This weird thing i call my life
by UrGuiltyPleasure
Summary: With his sixtenth birthday around the corner Miharu seems to constantly get lost in his head. Feeling lonely and depressed he finds out what he wants for his birthday. To be with yoite of course. But there's only one way he can do without his power. Can he be saved from himself? Plz review
1. Prolugue

Pain.

Its all I've ever known.

Brutal. Vile. Merciless. Pain

Is what I've become accustom to.

Pain.

The pain of hurt, the pain of loss, the pain of enough loneliness that makes you cry. The pain that keeps the ruler of Nabari alive.

The pain of being me.

I hate being me.

Me without him.

Its like I'm a ghost who couldnt find the light that keeps me from being stuck here in a literal world of... Pain. Without the fun of haunting the people I despise. Instead I'm being haunted by my past, current future and even the freakin present.

I hate being me.

Me without him.

So here I am.

With the smell of salt water lurking in my nose. Sea breeze hitting my face. Under the light of the glowing moon. Fantasizing about what it would be like drowning. People say its the best way to die. But how would they know that. Being alive and shit. I guess there's only one way to find out. And I pray to whoever's listening that I dont live to tell the tale.


	2. Nightmares

PMidnight.

Gazing up at the brilliant balls of gas shinning thousands of light years away into tonight sky. Through a hole in the ceiling of a broken metro car. The place were I made the promise I couldnt keep. Lying on my back reminissing on the quote on quote " good old days". Everything from learning that I have what other may call a blessing. To finding the real reason I was put on this earth.

Yoite.

The silent but deadly boy fell hopelessly in love with. The boy who threaten to kill me and my friends if I didnt use my "gift" to make him dissapear. The boy who's violet eyes I'd constantly get lost in. The boy who's ashend hands made me shiver at his rare touch. The boy who'd I kill for. Be killed for. Who vanished into the wind without giving me a chance to say goodbye.

You'd think two years would be enough time to except it and move on. But it clearly hasn't. Especially since I've gone a day where he wasn't on my mind. Or a night where I wasn't crying over him.

The only reason - and I mean only - reason why Tobari hasn't shipped my sorry ass to some mental institution is because when it comes to lying I'm pure GENIUS! Like I have perfected the art making people believe that I am a stable human being. So at first I was devasted, but then I got slowly but surely " better". Like for one thing - I talk. Like I have unimportant conversation with people. Even at school! Apparently I'm hilarious. Even when I'm being serious. It's great! I pride myself in how smoothly its going. I'm passing all my classes ( even Tobari's). I even learned to fight! Like a real shinobi. Top of my class.

Sometimes, I forget about it all being a lie and start to get a little happy. Just for moment. But then night roles around and painful memories push their way through the bullshit and then I'm me again, - fucking - me again. The sad, helpless kid who fell who fell head first for a tortured soul. You might ask why dont I just use the shinorabanso and erase the pain or memory? Well...

Because I'd rather spend the rest of my life sulking over losing, the to forget him.

His face, hands , hair , voice, smell. The way he'd make me feel. The rare times he let me touch him - actually TOUCH HIM! To much to give up. To painful to even think about. So I pretend to be okay and moved on. I pretend to only have a brotherly love for him. I pretend to be happy. So far its worked so ... yea.

After a few more tears I'm get tired and decide to go home. I walk to the door when I hear a faint voice. It sounded like my name. I instantly pull out my knife ready for a fight, ( oh yea I'm that good ).

"Who's there?" I said looking around the car.

" Miharu..."

One the bastard's voice was familar and it knew my name, so that right there was a bad sign.

"Miharu!" it said again

At the sound of that something in my brain clicked.

"...Y-Yoite?"

He slowly stepped out of the shadows into the moonlight. I stared at him from bottom to top. Not able to face him yet . His long legs were stiff. His hands were balled into fist to his sides. His broad sholders were tight in place. His chin was under his lips. His lips, those soft lips were in a tight line. His cute little nose was still adorable. His eyes... Those eyes. They had a cold, blank look. Staring but not really seeing anything. And it was the most beautiful thing I've seen in long time. One year, eleven months, twelve days, fifty-eight minutes, and twenty seconds to be exact... But who's counting.

My breathing hitched while saying, "Yoite!" I ran to hug him but he backed up and said his infamous phrase,

"Dont touch me."

" Sorry." I said in a pout. Then a smile creeped back on my face.

" I cant believe your really h-here-" i said on the verge of tears before he cut me off.

"Save it Miharu!" my smile faded into a frown. I looked at his face. His blank expression whipped from his face changing stern gaze.

"Yoite whats wrong-"

" Your whats wrong!"

Tears were wealing up in my eyes, I dropped my awed gaze to the floor and started playing with the end of my shirt.

"I-I-I'm sorry.", I stutterd like an idiot while the tears spilled over. I started to say something else when cut me off again.

" Two years! Two years Miharu and your still crying over me. You have everything ! Your alive! Your crying over some imaginary romance you've invented in your head! Calling you pathetic would be the understament of the decade!" he fumed.

" I know...I know, I know, I know! I cant help it." I sobbed " I cant help it! I love you so much it hurts. I cant even function right! Well not that I did before but ... I just... I..." I trailed off. I built up enough courage to meet his gaze. He gave me a look of pity.

" ... I guess I am pretty pathetic huh?" I asked with a sadend laugh.

Yoite walked over to where I was standing and put a hand on my sholder.

"I have to go. " he whispered. I just nodded my head on response.

And with that, he turn around a walked off into darkness. I fell to knees and sobbed.

I woke up in a cold sweat.

I was in my room.

Its 2:23am

I'm ok

It was just a nightmare.

I'm ok

It wasn't real

I'm ok

He's not here

I'm ok

He never was

I'm ok

Hot tears rolled down my face

I'm...

" Its ok Miharu , it was just a bad dream. Nothing more."

I look up to see Hana looking at me with her OMG-are-you-ok-do-you-need-a-hug-of-course-you-do...look.

Hana? What - what are you doing he-" i was cut off by her her turning on my lamp blinding me. I shut my eyes making kind of an ooooooooing sound.

" Oh Miharu im sorry. I didnt mean to hurt your eyes ."

" Its ok they'll...adjust. " I said rubbing my eyes.

I look up at Hana and try to give her a reasuring smile. ... Which totally back fired...

" Miharu!" she gasped, " Yours eyes are bloodshot red. And your sweating like pig!" she bluntly stated

"Boy you sure do know how make a guy feel better" I said jokingly. ( Tried but failed)

"I'm sorry I just ... Oh Miharu!" grabbing my face in a very Hana-y way

She kept going on going on and on about how sorry she was. Hugging me. Feeling my head for a tempature. Asking if I'm ok. Saying sorry. Hugging me. Head feel. Are you ok. Sorry. Hug. Head. Ok. Sorry hug head ok. Sorry-hug-head-ok. Sorugeadok!

Thats when my brain started to melt.

" Hana * muffle* Hana * muffle * Han - HANA!"

She looked at me with caution.

" I'm fine Hana. Really I'm ok so calm down." her breathing slowed and so did mine.

" I'm sorry I freaked out honeybun," ( pet name) "it's just that you haven't had a nightmare this bad. Well of what we know of-" ( 'we' meaning her and Tobari) " Have you been having any recent nightmares?"

Umm...Yea!

" Not that I want to remember." I said with the dishonest truth pouring into my words. She just nodded silently. An awkward silence fills the room and its suffocating! So what does a compulsive liar like me who wants to avoid future soul shattering questions do?

Change subject!... Duh.

" So what are you doing in my room at 2:30 something in the moring? Tobari's using you as pillow again?" she gave me an 'stfu miharu' look I've been getting lately.

"If you must know I couldnt sleep so I got up and went to get a drink of water, but i heard noises down the hallway . I realized that you were talking in your sleep."

Damn paper thin WALLS!

"... Oh" nice one Rokujo

"Did you hear anything I said?" I said a little to fast.

"Not really you were just mumbling, I couldnt make anything out."

Whew...

"Why?" she asked

Shit shit SHIT, ummmmmmm...

"To figure out what had me so freaked out."

"Oh." was all she said

"What?" I asked.

She hesitated to answer my question. Like she was trying to hold something back.

"What?" I asked again.

"Do you..." she trailed

"Do I what ?"

" Do you think that your dream is about...or has something to do with...him?" she whispered the last part.

Him...

Hmm thats what I love about Hana. She's sensitive to he fact that I might be sensitive to the fact that Yoite gone. Still I cant have her thinking I'm still broken about it ket alone sensitive to it. Guess I have to pull out the big guns.

" Who Yoite?"

She flinched a little when I said his name out loud. Hell I flinched a little a saying his name out loud.

"Uh...yea. I mean since tomorrow's...you know..." she said faintly while grabbing my hand.

Now boys and girls your about to witness the remarkable lying abilities I informed you about earlier. So sit back, relax, and kids - please dont try this at home.

"Yea I know...but thats okay." I look up at her (for effect ). Her eyebrows raised a little. I took this as a chance to countinue.

" I know that I kinda freaked when he passed. And I know that I made it really hard for you and Tobari with the whole being 14 and depressed thing but...but what would you expect from a kid like me losing someone like that."

Dramatic pause. Check! Now que reminisent stare into nothingness.

" Someone who you feel is exactly like you. Someone who knew the pain you went through everyday. Someone who opens your eyes to the fact that...your not alone anymore. That you never were but you were to stubborn and insecure to realize it. Like in a weird way, he helped me realize that life isnt meant to be lived through apathetic misery. Life is meant to be lived! To its fullest you know. And - and that some people dont wanna be around me for one thing only. That they're are some people out there who...who care!" I say with a smile creepng on my face. I look back to Hana to see her crying but with a smile on her face. Tears

of joy I guess. I hope.

"Oh Miharu!" she grabbed me into what I like to call a 'Hana-hug', cause it's just what comes to mind when i happens!

"I'm so proud of you sweetheart! And your not alone, never EVER!" she cried joyfully

"I know. " I said hugging her back.

"Good!" She said pulling back. I smile. She smiles. I say, " Ok, i love this heart-to-heart thing we had going on here but its now 3:00am on a school night - morning! See I cant even tell the alphabet!" I sobbed

She rolls her eyes playfully and ruffles my already messed up hair and gets off the bed.

"Goodnight Hana!" I sing/whine

She laughs,"Goodnight Miharu." she walks to the door, turns around and adds, "I love you Miharu, we all do." She turns of the light and is out the door.

Then the world starts to crumble around me. Rapid tears blurr my vision.

And I ask myself why?

Why is it so easy for me?

How can I put so much time an effort into a lie?

A lie that me going.

A lie that gets me through the day.

A lie that everyone believes.

A lie thats so far from the truth it's believable.

A lie that brings tears to Hana's eyes.

A lie that Tobari pats me on the back for.

A lie that lets people assume I'm normal

A lie

A lie

Lies

All lies

Lying

Liar

I'm a liar

A good liar

A great liar

Maybe the best...

If someone found out the truth. If Yoite knew how...

How pathetic I am

Death would almost be to good

Yoite.

Yoite.

I'm sorry I'm this way. I'm sorry I fell in love with you. I'm sorry that I was such a burden. I'm sorry I didnt grant your wish. I just wanted you to be happy. I wanted to make you happy. I wanted to love you. Be loved by you. Touch you. Kiss you. Be yours. I'm sorry


	3. Jason

You know what I almost hate more than myself? SCHOOL. School is the epitome of pure & utter misery the world has ever come to know... At least to me it is. I mean its not like I have I dont have friends or make good grades or whatever. And even if that was the case I wouldn't give a damn. It's just the people here that fuck with my mind!

I mean their definition of 'hard times' are dissapointing their parents, failing, no social life, high school drama, virginity, college applications, etc. It's total bullshit! They have no idea what goes on in the real world. For instance, I have no parents to dissapoint. I dont care about my social life. My GPA can suck it. High school aint shit. I dont even know if I'll live to see 16 let alone 'apply for college' . And the person I want to lose my virginity to is dead. So social status, I.Q.s , and cherry popping dont matter when you have nothing to live for.

Teenagers are so fucked up

I was in biology when someone tossed a folded piece of paper on my desk saying open on the front. I opened it up and it said,

Ha!

You fucker!

I cant believe you opened it!

Your so dumb.

- yours truly,

Jason

I turn to my left to see a lightly tanned boy with long curly hair that came to his neck with gray eyes and a big toothly smile wave at me. Remember when I said that all teenagers are fucked up? Well they still are. But Jason is a good kind of fucked( no pun inten-...ok YEAH pun intended). You see Jason is kind of my best friend. Yeah I know ' Miharu has a best friend?' type shit is going through your mind right now, but yep since I was fourteen. We meet freshman year. I was still apathetic so Tobari paired me up with him on a project. When Tobari annouced project partners and are names were called I looked back to see him blushing furiously. Probably because he stuck with the glassy-eyed-kid for a partner. Anyway Tobari lined us up so we could go to the library to do some research. The walk there was so long.

When got there we split up into our groups and scooped out the library. And when I say 'we' I mean them. 'We' as in me and Jason just stood there like idiots. He was still blushing and looked at everything but me. I just rolled my eyes and walked away. I was surprised to hear him call, "Wait!", and catch up with me. I turned around and looked at him with a blank look. It was so weird. He kept blinking and playing with his hands and licking lips. What felt like hours but only seconds had passed. He finally said,

" Um. U-um...I...I mean you - we should uh like, totally do some...work stuff."

All I could think of was God I hate this kid.

"Sure. Work stuff. Totally!", I added sarcasticly. He blushed again. I was like does he have some type diesease or something? I walked on while he tried to keep up.

We were in the back of library hidden by a shelves. Jason was trying to get this book on the top shelf. Like he climbed up the ledges trying to get it and I was like, who could be this eager to study? I looked up from the book I was pretending to read and said,

" Your gonna fall." He turned to look at me and slipped falling flat on his ass. I ( surprisingly) quickly got up and walked over to him to see if he was ok.

" Sorry," I said " I didnt mean to jinx you or whatever." I put out hand to help him up. He look surprised but he still took it.

"Thanks." he whispered.

" Are you okay?" I asked

" Yea! ... I mean yea. Um, why you ask?"

" Because your still kinda holding on to my hand."

"Oh! Aaaaah...," he said shaking his hand out like it was a towel, "sorry."

I laughed. He blushed. I laughed some more.

" Your pretty weird." I bluntly stated.

He look down like he was embarassed. " I know..." he sadly .

" It's ok," I said, " I'm pretty weird too."

Now for some reason I found it in my cold unbeating heart to put a smile on my face. And his face lit up instantly.

" So...back to...'work stuff'?"

"Totally!"

And that boys and girls was the start of the beautiful yet highly emotional friendship of Miharu Rokujo and Jason Hiroaki . Yes we will get to the highly emotional part later. Because I've daydreaming for about 70 mins in 72 minute class. The teacher was about to call on me when the bell rang. I grabbed my stuff and was out of there. Some how Jason caught up with me.

" Why are you so unstable?" I asked

"Because I'm friends with you HaruMi." he replied

'HaruMi' a nickname he made for me just because I kept calling him a stupid american. One, ibecause he is half american. And two, well because it was all I could say as an so called insult.

" Ooooo, that hurt Jay. Rite here, where the heart is."

" Oh dont get all crybaby on me Rokujo. I'm the one who should be in tears!"

" And why should you be?"

" Because I am FAILING biology. But you're a wiz at and all you do is stare into space while still pulling A."

"And thats my problem becauuuuuuseeeee..."

"You see, that sarcasim just officially made you my tutor."

" I tutor you in History, Calculus, Advanced english, and P.E."

" Yeah but I have a solid C in Home Ec." he said with that stupid toothy grin.

I rolled my eyes while opening my locker. I gathered my things trying to ignore him saying please endlessly. I sighed.

"Yay!" he shouted

" That wasnt a yes."

"But we both know you will because you just cant say no to me."

I didnt say anything else. That usually works because he hates it when I dont talk to him for more then 32 seconds. 25, 24,23,22,21,20,19,18,17,16,15,14,13,12-

"I mean maybe sometimes you can say no to me," told ya, "like remeber when-"

I smirk and give him a sideways glance. He blushes and says,"Shut up."

I laugh and say " Fine I help you... But not today."

" What's today?"

Pause. Soooo,

I haven't told completely told him about Yoite yet. I mean I've said I "used" to "like" some "guy" but he "MOVED" away. And the only reason I told him that much was because he came out to me freshman year telling me that he would be okay if I didnt want to be his friend anymore because he was gay. But that part is in the highly emotional chapter of my mental book so yea. Ummm...

Oh yea, Play!

"Lay-on-my-ass-and-do-nothing-but-sleep-day."

"You bum. Your so fucking lazy."

" I prefer actively challenged, but bum works to."

He rolls his eyes. He was about to say something else when one of the most popular girls in the school came up to us with some cute new girl.

"Miharu." She greets me in what I like to call an 'I wanna fuck you.' voice.

She fair skin, wavy brown hair that falls past her shoulders, and curves that can kill. Oh and her eyes, hazel of course. And her name is...

" Momo." I say in a matching tone. " What brings you to my side of the hallway?"

" To introduce you to new friend Huni. Well not really you in particular. She ( sadly) has a major crush on your slutty sidekick." She said sneering at Jason.

"Momo!" said the wide-eyed Huni. Blonde hair, blue eyes, nice rack, perfect for Jason. P.S. Jason declared himself bi a while back. 70% guys, 30% girls. Claiming the power of pussy was to much to bare.

"Well hello to you too 'Lomo'-" started Jason, " I love what you've done with your mouth." He said with a knowing smirk.

Momo has been identified as a experienced virgin. No her cherry hasnt been popped, but alot of different flavors have hit the back of her throart and trickled down her chin if you know what I mean.

( well, if you dont that means she suck dick ;D)

She blushed, Huni tried to hide her laugh. ( Huh some friend)

"Dick" spat Momo.

" Well if this is your way asking then I cant imagine how you get so much! Must be a gift-"

"Jason." I said hinting to change subject. He rolled his eyes towards Huni and then smiled.

"So Huni," he said cupping his hand under her chin, " how long have you been crushing?"

" A while..."

" A while huh? Well look how much time was wasted."

She giggled. While they flirted I tried to calm down Momo

"Hey, he is dick." I stated

"You think he'd be perky since he has one up his ass." I laughed and she smirked.

"So why are you passing around Huni?"

"To teach her a lesson."

" In what subject?"

"How to stay in your placeoligy, and Jason was on the top of my list of guinea pigs to test."

" A beauty and a bitch... That's hot."

" I knew you'd see it my way."

" Come on Huni drolling is unlady like."

Huni blushed.

"Text me?" said Jason bringing her smile back.

"Of course! Bye."

" Byeee" sang Jason.

I winked at Momo goodbye and she waved. Once they were out of sight Jason's smile faded. He turned me saying,

" 'You'd think he'd be perky since he has one up his ass ahahahahaha' HA." he really cant immitate my laugh.

" What it was funny. Considering-"

" You know you're so full of shit-"

" Am I?"

We stared each other down if looks good kill we both would've been dead and gone a billion times over.

" Look, I dont know whats got your dick in a knot," said Jason" But you need to fix it or-"

"Or what?" I sneered. I crossed my arms and stepped into his face. Then I smirked "Your gonna fix it for me?" He punched me across my cheek and then pushed me into the lockers. I pushed off of them and punched him in the face busting his lip. Before he can even understand what the fuck was going on I tackled him to ground. I got on top him and started punch like crazy. He was punching me like crazy. My face, my stomach, my side, my FACE! I dont even know who's winning but I saw that we drew in a pretty big crowd. Like the whole fucking school was here. People were shouting shit like 'BEAT THE HELL OUT OF HIM MIHARU!' or 'OOOO JASON PUNCHED THE FUCK OUT OF HIM'. Screaming,shouting, hi fiving like we just won a game. Teachers shouting break it up. Jason used my slight distraction to his advantage and rolls us over so that he was on top. All the while punching me EVERYWHERE! I kneed him in the crotch making him roll over in pain. But before i could do anything else I was pulled of him. He jumped up and sucker punched me. I broke free and punched him in the thoart. His hand flew to his neck. He charged at me. I tried to charge back but was pushed and pinned into the lockers by teachers and I think a student. His names Hiro. We have P.E. together. I kind of hear him say good job or some shit like it but wasnt paying attention. Teachers are still holding me down while buget cut shit-curity guys dragged Jason into the office. That fucker was giving me the best death glare a person can while being oxygen deprieved.

" Get off of me. I'm fine." I say very calmly and some teachers back off. Tobari pushes pass the students and teachers and is suddenly in my face saying,"Rokujo calm down!" in a not so calming voice.

I take a deep breath" I'm calm. See. Calm face. I say pointing to the obviously forced smile.

"Miharu-"

"Look I'm calm! At least I was til you came! Am I spendid? 5 days? Cool, See you Monday!"

I pushed my way through stupid teachers and students yelling 'GO! GO! RUN!'. I'm down the hallway, around the corner, and out the side door like a bat out of hell. I realized that I was running when I hit the woods. Which wasn't really that far because it right next to the woods so yea. Anyway. I'm running through the woods like a I'm fucking bambi to the most comfortable place to be miserable. ( metro cars)

I stop when I reach the clearing. I spit out some blood and I got a gash on my head too. I climb into the car and collaspe on the floor. Lying on my back, I look up at the patch in the celiing seeing tall bambo and the sky turning orange from the sunset. Pretty site.

I start to cry. (No surprise there.)

I cry and cry and cry til I can hardly breathe.

" Hey Yoite," I whisper to the walls

" Guess what? My best friend punched me today at school. Can you guess why? Because I'm a pathetic jerk who takes his pain out on other!"

" I really didn't mean to get in his face. I was just...mad!"

" Mad because he wastes so much time on me, trying to be my friend. He could do anything he wants! But he choses to spend time with me! It makes no sense! Why hang around doom and gloom all day when they're people lined up suck his dick. He always tells me how jealous people are of me. Or that just about every girl or guy alike wants to be with or even be me. He thinks I'm joking when I say he's a liar. But I'm not. No one wants me. At least no one who knows me the truth."

" Well then maybe they do want me. The me I let the outside world know. The guy with no problems in the world. If they knew the real me they'd cry in embarrassment for even acknoweldging me." I pause for a minute to catch my breath.

" But you know whats even more pathetic Yoite?"

Naturally I get know response.

"It wouldn't even matter if they did. I dont care if I'm shunned or laughed at. I might care about Jason or Hana but that's all"

" The only thing that matters to me is you...only you."

" Only you Yoite."

" Only...you..."


	4. Confession

Ok so I totally got an ear full from Tobari when I got home tonight at 11:something. Turns out I fell asleep. " So what if you have every right to be mad? Doesn't mean I'm wrong!" I try to explain to him. Ha.

"WHAT? Miharu that makes no sense whatsoever!"

"Oh yea? Well that's what society want you to think!"

I watch highly amused as Tobari's left twiches.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!"

I narrow my eyes an say,"You tell me."

Hana steps in between us before Tobari lunges at my throart.

" Okay! Ding! Ding! Ding! Back to your corners! Now Tobari-"

" Hana he's-"

"Tobari. Yelling at him clearly solves nothing."

"Yeah! Yelling at him cleaaarrrrrlllllyyyy solves NOTHING." I chant behind the protection of Hana and her awesomeness.

"Miharu." she said politely telling me to shut up.

" Now Tobari to your room, Miharu sit down."

While I comply by sitting, Tobari protests by throwing up his hands and furiously growling. All the while walking to this room. I laughed at the thought. Hana glared my way and I quickly 'sobered' up. She sighed while picking up the first aid kit. She sat on the table across from the couch and looked at me with concerned eyes.

" I'm sorry Hana." I say. She rolled her eyes and gave me a small smile.

" Now why cant you say that to Tobari?" She asks while opening the kit.

"Well, because his name's not Hana- Owwwwww!" She put an alcohol wipe to the now healing scar over my left eye.

"Hey you deserve it. Tobari and I were really worried about you. "

Yea right...

"It's true!" she said like a freaky-crystal-ball-mind-reader-lady. I dont say it, but the only thing Tobari is worried about is the shinirobanso and how I might use it fuck up.

" I know." Is all I say.

"Well good. Now will you tell me why I'm putting ice to your cheek?" I bite my lip.

" Me and Jason got into a fight." I say like she didn't already know.

"Why?" She simply asked

I shurgged." I dont know."

I felt the couch dip a little when she sat next to me.

" Well, was it worth it?" She asked

"Not at all." i answered " God I'm an idiot." she rubbed my back soothingly " I knew what I said would make him mad enough to hit me. I just dont know why I said it!"

" Maybe you weren't trying to delibrately make him mad at you. Maybe you were subconsiously trying to vent about something you've been bottling up."

Oh here she go with that( my favorite character on L&O SVU) Dr. Huang bullshit trying to get me to open up. Ugh I thought I took care of this last night. #FAIL

I sigh," Hana, this isnt about Yoite ok, I'm ok about that." Liar. " This is about losing my best friend over something as stupid as I am that I cant even remember what it was about..." Well I can remember but I dont want to give Hana an inside look of the filthy minds of my generation.

It sounded like she was about to say something like she about to say something else when the doorbell rang. I look up at the clock to see that it is now 12:05.

"Who could it be at this hour?" she asked mostly to herself

While she went out to open the door, I got hungry and went to kitchen to get an apple. I got the apple and went into the hallway to go to my room. Then it hit me.

I forgot my ice pack!

So I went back to the living room to get it. I bent down to get the pack off the coffe table when I hear Hana call my name. I look up with an apple stuffed in my mouth and an ice pack to my right cheek to see her and Jason in the doorway. He had a black eye and a fat band aid under his lips.

"You look like hell." He said breaking the silence

" Speak for yourself satan."

We laughed. Then he frowned and said, "I am a dick,-sorry Hana."

"And I am full of shiii-...ish."

I walk up to him and ask,"Still project partners?"

"Totally!"

I smiled, he gleamed.

"YAY!" shouted Hana, scaring the living shit out off me! All the while grabbing us both into a group 'Hana-hug'. Jason laughed. I smile smiled whole heartedly.

"Ok you two need to get to bed. It's been a long day. Goodnight my little men!"

" Night Hana!" said Jason. Not effected at all by being called one her 'little men'.

"Night Homy." (Hana+Mommy) I said kissing her temple. Nodding to Jason we go to my room. We both collasape on my bed. I was so sore. Apparently so was Jason. He never stays still for long unless he tired.

" Hey you forgot to turn the lights on." Inquired very lazily by Jason.

" Nooo, you forgot to turn the lights on."

"But I'm your guest!"

"Exaclty. So do what I say!"

...silence...

" The light can stay off." he mumbled.

I smirked. Then an terrifying thought creeped into my mind.

"Hey Jason?" I whisper

"Mmmmmmmm?..."

" How long do you plan on staying awake?"

" Another 30 seconds. Why?"

"...Nevermind."

" I mean I might stay up longer if you plan to tell me how you got that cut over you're eye.

"...We may get into that."

"May?"

"Maaaaayyyyyy."

He thought about it.

" Ok HaruMi, lay it on me."

I roll to my side and looked him straight in the eyes. " Promise me you'll wont say anything to anybody ever in life about what I'm going to tell you tonight."

"I promise." he stated in the same serious tone. Then I rolled back onto my back.

Deep breath, Miharu. Deep breath.

"...Remember...remember when I told you about that guy that I had a crush on when I was a kid, but he move away?"

" Yeah..."

"Well...I...lied." I see his eyes buldge a little.

"So you just said that to make me feel better about being gay?"

"No!...n-no. I lied about my feelings for him, and...w-what happened...to...him." I answered.

" I had just turned 14. The shinorobanso had awakened and everyone wanted something from it. I was being kidnapped or attacked on a regular basis." Yea he knew about the shinorobanso but not Yoite. Apparently his dad side of the family is shinobi. So I guess that makes him half shinobi?...Nnnnaaaa math is not my subject.

"Everyone had a story to tell and reason for me to grant theme wish. One of them was a kira user named..."

Here it comes! Here it COMES!

"...Yoite."

"I first saw him during an attack on the Hidden Village of the Fuma. He was kiruosu of course. They were looking for a bunch of scrolls that were suppose to take the shinorobanso from whoever had it and use it for themselves or something that. Really, at the time I would of given it to them if I could. Yoite nearly killed Tobari's stupid ass for trying to save me. Then nearly killed my stupid ass telling him to stop. And then the sensi of...I dont know. Fuma, Baten, somewhere- saved us all. After that we had dinner with the Fuma ninjas and went home. From then on Ramei and Koichi followed me everywhere. They transfered their classes to mine. Walked me to and from school. They even hung out at my grandmother's place to do homework. It really sucked. One night they were over, Yoite knocked them out and kidnapped me. He took me to these abandoned train cars in the woods. He said that when the shinarobanso fully awakens he wanted me erase him from existence. And if I didnt He'd kill me and anybody involed with me. I told him I would do it. All the while he'd help me find away to strip the shinirobanso from me. Maybe even destroy it. So during this process I join Kiruosu. Yoite and I constantly together. He was always sick and weak. I realized that the kira technique was slowly killing him. Really the only thing that kept him going for so long other than the will to live was an aspirn."

And here comes the part I hate.

" He was in pain everyday, physically and emotinally. He hated it when people did nice things for him because he couldnt pay them back. He never let anyone touch him and he'd kill the if they tried. He felt completely alone and would rather disappear from exsitence than to die by himself. With no one there to grieve over him. He thought the world would be a hell of alot better if he wasnt in it. And I-..." I felt Jason's hand wipe away a tear that I didnt know had fallen on my left cheek with his righ thumb.

"You dont have to talk about it if you dont want to." He looks deep into m eyes. And as cliche as its sounds, it's like he's peering into my soul. Why?

" But I-I wanna tell you!", I start again, sitting up, " I wanna tell you what I never tell anyone! What it felt like to be with him. What it feels like to be without him! How I felt exactly like him, how I felt about his death, how I still feel about his death now, two years later!-" Then Jason cupped my face between his hands wiping the other tears that had fallen and said, "Shh, shh, shh. And I'll be here to listen. I promise that you're not alone. I'll be here fo you like you are for me until you dont want me to. And even then I'll still be here! Ok Miharu?"

I stared at him. And stared at him.

And stared at him.

WHY CANT I STOP STARING AT HIM!

"Ok." Is what I whisper.

Thank you left side of my brain, because the right side keep fucking up!

He smiles and plucks my forhead. That fucker.

"Ow!" I yelp

" Now go to sleep, your starting to look like Dumboldor."

"Shut up. You cant even spell the principal of Hogwarts' name."

"Neither can you."

"That's why I didnt say it."

"...Dingel berry." We laughed. And then we fell asleep. Now you didnt hear this from me but...it was the best sleep I've had for in years.

Two to be exact.


	5. Author's Note

Author's note:

Why hello my lovely readers. Ok, ok I already know that you hate updates that are just the author talking shit or whatever. But this is necessary. ( at least to me it is) . So here's the deal. I LOVE writing for you my fellow Yaoi lovers. But I feel as if that the feedback I'm getting is slim to none. How do you feel about the story and where its going. Do you like it? Do you hate it? Now you can drop me as an author if you think I'm a totall attetion hore. But if you dont please review. Because I'm feeling a little ummm...needy? I dont know, when I find a better word I'll edit this but yea. All in all ...

THANK YOU FOT READING!

You know I'll always be,

YourGuiltyPleasure;)


	6. Dreams

I woke up to a pillow slapped in my face.

" Bitch wake you lazy ass up and make me pancakes!" Jason yelled laughing standing over me with the pillow hanging over his shoulder. I kicked him in the stomach, off my bed, and on his ass.

"Wake me up like that again, I'll make sure it hurts when you piss." I say rolling back onto my stomach.

" You mean you're going give me a STI?"

" Yes thats exactly what I mean."

" Ok when?"

" After you make me some pancakes."

" But I'm your guest!"

" Exactly, so do what I say!"

"...What is your logic in that explanation?"

I pretend to snore. I hear Jason walk out the room and he didn't come back for a while. Just as I was about to dose back off I start to drown in a thick, battery, gunk...that tasted like pancake mix.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!"

"Wha-...Making you pancakes."

"Run." He flew down the hallway with me right behind him. I tackled him to the kitchen floor. I wiped some batter off my neck and smeared it across his face trying to shove it down his thoart. He just kept laughing. I mean how could he still be laughing? I just tried to choke him and he's laughing like he just heard the corniest joke in the world! Why cant I laugh like that!? Why do I cry more than I smile? Why cant I laugh like Jason does? Endlessly at anything. Why?

Why do I ask like I dont already know?

" Helloooo? Earth to Haru? Weren't you just trying to kill me for being a good guest?" I climbed off him and sat indian style beside him.

" Yeah,..sorry." I say. He pulls a towel from thin air and wipes his face. Then hands it to me. I wipe my face and threw the towel aside.

"Are you ok?" I ask him

"Yea but, shouldnt I be asking you the same?"

"Why?" I ask honsetly

"Well, because last night you really opened up to me when you didnt have to."

My facial expression went from 'huh' to 'ohhhhh' in like two seconds.

"Oh." good one Rokujo

" Yea." said Jason followed by a really awkward laugh. I look at him and then start to laugh.

"Why are you laughing?"

" Cause you can make the mist awkward situtation even more awkward!"

I laughed even harder. He joined in, this time sincerely.

" Well what else was I put on earth for?" he asked almost out of breath.

"Other than fucking? Nothing." we laughed til we cried.

When we finally calmed down, Jason got up just to fix us some pancakes. After we ate, he convinced me to go with him to the park. I came up with the genius idea to cut through the woods and scare the shit out of some little kids. Totally worth the dirty looks we got from angered soccer moms.

And then Jason made it even better by yellin after them, " Wait! We only wanted to play with them! Sware to God!"

We stayed there the whole day. Jumping off of swings. Climbing on monkey bars and up slides. Getting sticks and trying to dig to Austria. Because who's ever tried to dig to Austria? It was like we were high but sober. When the sun began to set we walked back to Tobari's and a 'Peach Girl' marathon.

"She totally should've stayed with Toji." said Jason lying on the couch like its his.

" WHAT! Toji's a fucking rapist while Kairi's there to put up with her hot crazy!"

" But Toji risked everything for her!"

"Like what? Getting his dick sucked by Shi just to force Momo into chosing him? Fuck no.

"Man, Kairi neglected her ass for some school nurse vagina that didnt even want him!"

" He was caught between his past and his potential future. Plus family issues times Momo issues! Kairi is the man!"

"...Kairi is a bitch."

"Oh so you dont still think about your childhood crush?"

"Dude, my childhood crush was the JimmyDean sun guy. So of course I do."

"Jimmy Dean?"

" Hey was pretty hot for a guy in a sun suit."

"...No he's not."

"Who asked you?"

" Who has wet dreams about Jimmy Dean?"

"Whooooaaa. Hold up. I liked him before puberty hit sooo..."

" And your still willing to admit it."

"Haters gonna hate."

"Hehehe...jimmy dean-"

" 'In my mind are pictures of a summer dayyyyyyyy'"

The rest of the night kinda went like that.

Jason went home after diner. It was fun trying to convince Tobari that we were still friends even though less than 24 hours ago we tried to bash each others heads in. He got frustrated and went out to smoke. Hana just rolled her eyes and changed subject. Anyway after I had cleared the dishes I said goodnight to Hana and went to bed by 11:00.

I'm at the park again with Jason. Jumping, laughing, cursing, the usual.

"You know Miharu?"

"What?"

" There's kinda something wrong with you."

I laughed. "Well of course there is. I'm hanging out with you aren't I."

" No I mean like mentally."

"Me too!" I laugh again

He sighs. " Miharu, seriously."

My smile fades. " Well please go on. I would love to know my mental state from a sophmore in high school."

" Well this sophmore knows enough to be able to tell if his bestfriend's a little off his rocker. Look I that this Yoite kid important to and all but, its not normal to still latch on to the deceased."

"...I-I dont latch on-"

" Come on Miharu, I'm not the crazy one here." he jumps down from the monkey bars landing inches from my face. "You are." he puts his finger on my chest.

"...B-But...I...I'm not cra-"

"He has a point." A voice said cutting me off. I turn to see Yoite standing a few feet away.

"But he doesnt understand." He says

"About you and me." He walks closer to me.

" That being crazy, is kind of what keeps us connected." He brushes his fingers across my cheek and rests his hand there. Jason dissapears. We're not at the playground anymore. We're not of this world anymore. Its just me and him. Him and me. And nothing else. He wraps his around my waist and chills go up my spine. The other tangles itself into my hair. He pulls me so close that I can feel his heartbeat through his jacket. I wraps my arms around his neck and clinged to him because my life depended on it. He leans in bringing are faces that much closer. His sweet breath fills my nostrils and warms my lips. My eyes flutter close. Waiting for what I've dreamed about since that day at train tracks. But then I realize, I couldnt feel his heart beat anymore. I open my eyes to see right through him. "Miharu..." he whispered while being carried away by the wind. And then I'm alone again. Alone in a great abyss of nothingness. Like I've always been. Alone.

I wake up crying again.

I get out bed and stumble over to my closet. Blinded by the darkness and my tears, I still find what I was looking for.

The scarf. It still smells like him. You know, just mixed with my tears. I cry into it. I cry and I cry and I cry. The sunrises and I cry. I hear Tobari getting ready for work. I force my sore bones from fetal position. I walk back the bed. Scarf in hand. Pulls the cover over myself and silently cry to sleep. Being suspended is giving me way to much time to think.


End file.
